Sunday, May 13, 2012

"I'm Not Scared": An Interview With Sweetie Honey

Interviewer: Okay. Let's get started. I'm here today with Sweetie Honey, who's an infamous ninja. Sweetie, normally, ninjas go to great lengths to hide their identity. You, however, go around telling people you're a ninja and that you've got your ninja outfit in your backpack. Why?

Sweetie: Because I don't care. I'm not scared. If you've got a problem with me, just say so. I'll kill you. There's no problem.

Interviewer: What's the best part about being a ninja?

Sweetie: The killing. I mean, it pays well. It's a cash business, so there are no taxes. But if you're a child and you're considering different career paths, I'd say the high point of being a ninja is all the remorseless killing you get to do in a variety of really impressive ways. It's super empowering and a great stress reliever. Also, moving around very stealthily. It's always a fun challenge to effortlessly move through a rickety building without even disturbing a mote of dust.

Interviewer: What's the worst part?

Sweetie: The airports.

Interviewer: So there's a lot of travel?

Sweetie: It's pretty much constant. I'm always jetting off to kill a businessman in a luxury hotel somewhere. And they want me to be at the airport two hours before my flight? It's crazy.

Interviewer: You're African-American. Are there a lot of African-American ninjas?

Sweetie: Sadly, no. The ninja business has been pretty much a closed Japanese club until recently. But now we're trying to open it up to more ethnicities, sexual orientations, the transgendered, and the disabled. Hopefully, soon, all different kinds of people will be able to kill with impunity.

Interviewer: As a ninja, how do you feel about being best friends with Guy Boy Man, a pirate?

Sweetie: The rivalry between ninjas and pirates is mostly friendly. Guy, himself, will tell you that ninjas are far more bad-ass than pirates. But I have to confess that pirates have the edge when it comes to quality of life. I mean, Guy is always out on his pirate ship, in the sunshine, the cool clean air, and the salt water spray, surrounded by his hot young female followers, and I'm out on a ledge, twenty stories up, right outside a luxury hotel room, or I'm stuck in an airport somewhere.

Interviewer: We know Guy as a ruthless pirate and spiritual leader. Do you have any funny stories about him?

Sweetie: One time I had him convinced that wind isn't caused by temperature differentials; it's actually created by ninjas traveling.

Interviewer: That's pretty funny.

Sweetie: If we disturbed the air, it wouldn't dare let on.

Interviewer: Turning back to more serious matters now: What about zombies? Do you see zombies everywhere, controlling everything?

Sweetie: No.

Interviewer: Do you believe Guy does?

Sweetie: I take him at his word.

Interviewer: And you're comfortable being friends with someone whose perspective is as skewed as that?

Sweetie: I kill lots and lots of people for a living, and, sometimes, for fun. I do it unanticipated, unobserved, with brutal efficiency, and I leave absolutely no traces behind. That tends to wear you down after a while, so I like a guy who can make me laugh. And Guy is pretty funny.

Interviewer: You don't worry about what might happen if his religion catches on?

Sweetie: No. I never worry. About anything. There's no such thing as a nervous ninja. I mean, can you imagine? “That businessman has six heavily armed bodyguards! Oh no! What am I going to do? Wait. I'm a ninja. Oh yeah. I'll just kill them all. Then I'll kill the businessman. Then I guess I'll just go sit in the stupid airport and wait and wait and wait.”

Learn more about Sweetie Honey and his adventures with Guy Boy Man in NINA VERSUS PIRATE FEATURING ZOMBIES.

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