Guy Boy Man's Conservative Plan to End American Unemployment

An excerpt from Guy Boy Man's website HowToEndHumanSuffering.com

"Speaking as a trillionaire, I know I create all kinds of jobs by hoarding vast sums of wealth. (I assume I do, anyway.) And I'm sure we, the rich, will get around to creating all kinds of really great jobs for the unemployed that will make everybody super happy but, if I can speak for the rich, and since I'm richer than the rich, I can, let me just say, we don't like to be rushed. We do things at our own pace. (We're always pretty busy adjusting our ascots, pocket squares, and monocles.) And it's pretty much impossible to create jobs when everybody is watching us. (We hate it when you're watching us.) Also, in truth, we might never get around to creating any jobs. If you give us tax cuts, we might just roll around naked in all that extra money. (We really like doing that.)"

Click here for the full text, but only if you think you're ready for Guy Boy Man's powerful truth!

Guy Boy Man's Conservative Position on Child Labor

An excerpt from Guy Boy Man's website HowToEndHumanSuffering.com

"Recently politicians have been discussing the possibility of changing our archaic labor laws to allow children the freedom to work for punishingly long hours with hardly any pay, since their parents are unable, or unwilling, to do so, in order to compete with other Third World countries. I feel these politicians don't go far enough..."

Click here for the full text, but only if you think you're ready for Guy Boy Man's powerful truth!

The Page of Reviews reviews Ninja Versus Pirate Featuring Zombies

The Page of Reviews talked about Ninja Versus Pirate Featuring Zombies, saying: "The novel’s satire runs so perfectly parallel to the zeitgeist of contemporary culture that it’s either the most flippant and offensive thing I’ve ever read, or the most concise allegory on post-industrial culture to ever to be constructed."

Read the Review!

Buy Ninja Versus Pirate Featuring Zombies!

"I'm Not Scared": An Interview With Sweetie Honey

Interviewer: Okay. Let's get started. I'm here today with Sweetie Honey, who's an infamous ninja. Sweetie, normally, ninjas go to great lengths to hide their identity. You, however, go around telling people you're a ninja and that you've got your ninja outfit in your backpack. Why?

Sweetie: Because I don't care. I'm not scared. If you've got a problem with me, just say so. I'll kill you. There's no problem.

Interviewer: What's the best part about being a ninja?

Sweetie: The killing. I mean, it pays well. It's a cash business, so there are no taxes. But if you're a child and you're considering different career paths, I'd say the high point of being a ninja is all the remorseless killing you get to do in a variety of really impressive ways. It's super empowering and a great stress reliever. Also, moving around very stealthily. It's always a fun challenge to effortlessly move through a rickety building without even disturbing a mote of dust.

Interviewer: What's the worst part?

Sweetie: The airports.

Interviewer: So there's a lot of travel?

Sweetie: It's pretty much constant. I'm always jetting off to kill a businessman in a luxury hotel somewhere. And they want me to be at the airport two hours before my flight? It's crazy.

Interviewer: You're African-American. Are there a lot of African-American ninjas?

Sweetie: Sadly, no. The ninja business has been pretty much a closed Japanese club until recently. But now we're trying to open it up to more ethnicities, sexual orientations, the transgendered, and the disabled. Hopefully, soon, all different kinds of people will be able to kill with impunity.

Interviewer: As a ninja, how do you feel about being best friends with Guy Boy Man, a pirate?

Sweetie: The rivalry between ninjas and pirates is mostly friendly. Guy, himself, will tell you that ninjas are far more bad-ass than pirates. But I have to confess that pirates have the edge when it comes to quality of life. I mean, Guy is always out on his pirate ship, in the sunshine, the cool clean air, and the salt water spray, surrounded by his hot young female followers, and I'm out on a ledge, twenty stories up, right outside a luxury hotel room, or I'm stuck in an airport somewhere.

Interviewer: We know Guy as a ruthless pirate and spiritual leader. Do you have any funny stories about him?

Sweetie: One time I had him convinced that wind isn't caused by temperature differentials; it's actually created by ninjas traveling.

Interviewer: That's pretty funny.

Sweetie: If we disturbed the air, it wouldn't dare let on.

Interviewer: Turning back to more serious matters now: What about zombies? Do you see zombies everywhere, controlling everything?

Sweetie: No.

Interviewer: Do you believe Guy does?

Sweetie: I take him at his word.

Interviewer: And you're comfortable being friends with someone whose perspective is as skewed as that?

Sweetie: I kill lots and lots of people for a living, and, sometimes, for fun. I do it unanticipated, unobserved, with brutal efficiency, and I leave absolutely no traces behind. That tends to wear you down after a while, so I like a guy who can make me laugh. And Guy is pretty funny.

Interviewer: You don't worry about what might happen if his religion catches on?

Sweetie: No. I never worry. About anything. There's no such thing as a nervous ninja. I mean, can you imagine? “That businessman has six heavily armed bodyguards! Oh no! What am I going to do? Wait. I'm a ninja. Oh yeah. I'll just kill them all. Then I'll kill the businessman. Then I guess I'll just go sit in the stupid airport and wait and wait and wait.”

Learn more about Sweetie Honey and his adventures with Guy Boy Man in NINA VERSUS PIRATE FEATURING ZOMBIES.

Meet Ninja Extraordinaire Sweetie Honey

Sweetie Honey is a handsome teenaged African-American ninja. His weapons of choice include the sword, throwing star, and his bare hands, and feet. He enjoys moonless nights and killing bodyguards who wear white suits and stand around outside glass mansions carrying Uzis.

Using age-old ninja techniques, his father, who's also a ninja, trained Sweetie in the use of various fighting styles and weapons when he was still in the womb. After being born, Sweetie attended TNA, The Ninja Academy, and went to work at TNA, The Ninja Agency. (There's a lot of TNA, when you're a ninja.)

When he transfers to Scare City High, Sweetie hopes his male model good looks and his mastery of various weapons and fighting styles will help him fit in. Then he meets Guy Boy Man, and the two of them become fast friends.

When he meets Baby Doll15, Guy Boy Man's girlfriend, and tells her she's the most beautiful girl ever, things get a little weird. (Things were pretty weird before that, to be honest.)

Find out more about Sweetie Honey and his pursuit of Baby Doll15 in NINJA VERSUS PIRATE FEATURING ZOMBIES!

The Girl With The Unicorn: Interview with Baby Doll15

Interviewer: We're here today with Baby Doll15, the beautiful young girlfriend of spiritual leader and pirate, Guy Boy Man.

Baby Doll15: God. I wish I wasn't just someone's girlfriend.

Interviewer: I'm sorry. That wasn't a very good introduction. Baby Doll15 is here today with her unicorn and...

Baby Doll15: The girl with the unicorn. Yeah. That's much better.

Interviewer: Maybe I should just get started with the questions? Can we start with your outfit? You're wearing a baby-doll, thigh high leggings, and high heels. You're fifteen years old. Don't you think you're dressed a little too provocatively?

Baby Doll15: A little too provocatively for whom? For you? Definitely not for my boyfriend. You know, society nowadays is pretty uptight but it wasn't that long ago that fifteen year old girls who weren't already married with two kids were considered spinsters. I dress how I want to.

Interviewer: You're an individual. You resent being considered just someone's girlfriend.

Baby Doll15: That's right. I'm not just Guy's support system. I'm my own person. I have ideas, you know.  Plans. And just because I can't think of any of those ideas and plans right now doesn't mean I don't have them and that they aren't really great.

Interviewer: You've got that unicorn standing next to you.

Baby Doll15: Exactly! I've got a unicorn, damn it!

Interviewer: Did you summon it or...?

Baby Doll15: No. It just showed up one day.

Interviewer: Still. It seems to have taken a liking to you. I'm guessing that's a pretty big honor. You don't see unicorns every day.

Baby Doll15: Well, I do.

Interviewer: No, I know. Most people don't though.

Baby Doll15: You want to ask me about Guy. Go ahead and get it over with.

Interviewer: Do you see zombies everywhere, controlling everything, like he does?

Baby Doll15: No, of course not. There's no such thing as zombies.

Interviewer: So you believe he's lying or he's terribly mentally ill?

Baby Doll15: Does it have to be either or? Can't he just be unique?

Interviewer: Why would you want to be with someone who believes that it's all pointless and there's no hope for humankind?

Baby Doll15: Why do any of us love the people we do?

Interviewer: If Guy was right, though, and there are zombies everywhere, controlling everything, and he's going to be the one to convince living people to stop reproducing so the zombies starve to death and die again, then you might be the only hope to keep humankind alive.

Baby Doll15: What do you mean?

Interviewer: You might be able to convince him of the redemptive power of love and that the two of you should have a child together to manifest it.

Baby Doll15: I'm on the pill.

Interviewer: I think you missed my point.

Baby Doll15: No, I got your point. But by that logic, if Guy is right, and there are zombies everywhere, controlling everything, then he's probably also telling the truth that he pirated trillions of dollars from various zombie institutions, which has to make him believe I'm a huge gold digger. So how could he ever believe I love him for who he is and not what he has?

Interviewer: You'd have to convince him. For all of us.

Baby Doll15: But there aren't zombies everywhere, controlling everything.

Interviewer: No, of course not.

Baby Doll15: Although it kind of seems like there are sometimes.

Find out more about Baby Doll15 and her unicorn in NINJA VERSUS PIRATE FEATURING ZOMBIES.

Meet Baby Doll15

Baby Doll15 is just a regular fifteen-year-old girl with big breasts, pale blue lips, child-bearing hips, baby-powder-white skin, cotton-candy-pink hair, and a unicorn that follows her everywhere.

She's drawn to Guy Boy Man because he's such a bad boy. She's willing to suspend her disbelief in the bizarre way he views the world, and skip the Zombie Acceptance Test, to be with him, but she wants a commitment from him first. Little does she know that Guy made a deal with a centaur which prevents him from telling a girl he loves her; if he does, he'll lose his multitrillion dollar fortune.

Baby Doll15 doesn't believe in zombies the way Guy Boy Man does, which, you'd think, would put her in a great deal of danger because of, you know, all the zombies, but supernatural creatures hide the existence of zombies from young people, and protect them, until after the Zombie Acceptance Test, at which point young people either become zombies or zombie food.

Besides, Baby Doll15 has her unicorn to protect her. It also protects her from roving gangs of vegetarians who attack people eating hotdogs. It protects her from pretty much everything really. It's a pretty vicious unicorn, if you want to know the truth.

Find out how Baby Doll15 and Guy Boy Man fell in love in NINJA VERSUS PIRATE FEATURING ZOMBIES.